Thursday, July 30, 2009

NSFW - Trends Among Mens....Or Male Habits I Wish I Didn't Know About...

He knows he needs to wash, yet human men resist. Who is the REAL animal, my friends...who?!

I have two men in my life. I care about them both dearly.

One is hilarious and is always making the craziest statements about life, like "Only gay guys wear flip flops." Let's call him Joe.

Well ok then! Andy Samberg with his flippy floppies apparently isn't about the ladies, according to Joe. Not quite sure where Joe got this idea, but this did lead to some serious side eyeing and some I Love Lucy 'splainin. (The explanation made no sense, so I'm not repeating it)

The other man in my life is also hilarious and I enjoy many of the finer things of life with him. Let's call him Bob.

Now, both Bob and Joe have some things in common. They're both guys, they both have facial scruff that I quite like, they've both played football at some point in their lives (although I don't know what position) and are still into sports, and ...

They both don't wash their hands after peeing.

Bob and I had a fight about it last year, where I demanded to know how someone so fresh could neglect something so basic. His response? "It's the cleanest part of my body. It's not dirty, why should I wash my hands?"

Joe said the SAME THING recently! I nearly fell off my chair, since I know Joe to be extremely hygenic, if not from the same logic loving family as Bob, who knows quite a few men who wear flip flops and aren't gay. I'm still trying to figure that flip flop shit out.

Anyway, Joe and I just fought about the hand washing thing, and here was my take on it.

As a lady, (side-eyeing any of you who just laughed openly at the lady part) I know what it takes to keep my parts clean. I remember the many times my mother told me as a child, "If you don't wash your pussy, it'll smell like fish!"

My mother was very hardcore.

So my cootie and I have a great relationship where I acknowledge that if I don't wash her, she won't smell as fresh as a tropical rainshower or some other scent from Gain. Lady Grey and I have an understanding (starting with the fact that my ladybits have a name, it's Lady Grey, just roll with me on this) and that is I keep her clean daily, she's happy, and I wash my hands every time I go pee to keep up with my general hygiene. I know some women who are also guilty of not washing their hands and it just gives me the WILLIES!

I also acknowledge that I feel men need to wash because their manbits tend to get not so nice down there all day in their underpants. Fishbone had a song about it called MonkeyDick. Here are some lyrics:
" Sitting in a cage all day long
Smelling monkey nutts boy the odors strong...

. . . Straight got the monkey dick
Straight got the burn in cage itch

The fumes oh how they burn
Those stars how they turn
Oh how I yearn to get to air again
Oh the sea breeze but I'm down on my knees
Straight got the monkey dick
Get me soap and water quick"

Even the guys in Fishbone know what I'm talking about!! Sweaty balls, and that's the cleanest area on your body?!?!
You can date this man, nice smile and washes his hands!

Am I just tripping, or is this a real trend among men? Do you even dare to ask if they're doing this or not?! Please men, explain this to me if you do believe you're that clean and don't need to wash!!!!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Side Eyeing the Cradle

So I haven't blogged in a while, and I apologize. But for the first time ever, I have a boyfriend!

At least, I think I have a boyfriend.

He told his friends he had a girlfriend. He told me he loved me via text. (And yes, this was the actual declaration of love. On the text. Insert side eye). His friend told me he loved me before the boyfriend did.

The problem is my new boyfriend is younger than me. He's way younger than me but he's not illegal. He's slightly over legal. If you had told me a few years ago I'd be dating someone who wasn't alive when Thriller, the Challenger Explosion, Purple Rain and Facts of Life came out, I'd have given you the side eye.

This is me, side-eyeing you. You are Hilary Clinton. Yes, you

But alas, my supposed boyfriend is muy younger and this should be my fun fling of the summer, but it is turning into a bit more trouble than it's worth. While he is fun and there is the whole "Young men just don't quit in the sack" nonsense, and "Young men are trainable" bs, there are maturity issues of a whole other realm that I just need to blog about!

Like the time he came over and literally peed himself as he walked into my house because he drank way too much beer and couldn't get into the bathroom on time.

Side eye!

And the times he says he's coming over, like last night, doesn't show up, like last night, but will show up the next day.

Side Eye, with bonus side mouth! (Note - don't leave stuff at my house if you pull this kind of move, Young boyfriend. I will look through your bag like the nosy bitch I am!)

I shouldn't feel so strongly about a fling, but dagnabbit, can't it be fun without all the silliness? Am I just getting old and crotchety about someone who is 1.)leaving in three months to go back to their home country and 2.) young enough that old school hip hop to them is LL Cool J's last album? (ok, totally kidding on that, but since when is Wu Tang old school?!?!) I shouldn't care! But...I do.

Side eyeing myself. Serious side eye.

I think I'm through with younger men after this. I miss having a man with hair. When you have more facial hair than your mate, something is amiss. Maybe Puberty, but something!

PS - I asked him if he really meant that he loved me in that text, and when he said yes, I exclaimed, "that's nice!" Because no matter what, it's always nice to hear someone loves you.

PPS - I'm going to tell myself I love you right now.