Let's Talk about this Bullshit Just This Once

Let's talk about this right here:



If you read Jezebel.com (and you already know it's a great great great site), then you already know about the open thread they have about Ms. Heidi Montag's performance on the Miss Universe pagent tonight.

Let's discuss her outfit before we go on to her actual "performance". What's wrong with the photo above, boys and girls? First off, her outfit is stupid. And something is wrong with the crotch in her pants. It's like she's carrying a big queef in there. Maybe it's her husband, maybe she just put something in there to give her some edge, I don't know.

Second off, what's up with a flesh toned bra pants thing going on? I thought flesh tone was for the illusion of that you aren't wearing anything, but it has glitter, but it has some black piping, but zzzzzzzzzzz....

Yawn Snore! Her shit is boring.

I won't even mention her hair, makeup, and her fakito boobs. I actually find her everything disconcerting. Like, now that she fixed everything with plastic surgery, and is "pretty", it's ok that she's assaulting America with her terribleness. And yes, it's assault. You can go to your local precinct and file a report for this hot mess.

She's just so mediocre it's RIDICULOUS. I mean, if you need proof. Please notice her stumbling around second 25-35:



Now, we all know the song is bunk. She cannot sing and the song is about nothingness. Fine. But she can't dance and it's all a little too much. Paula Abdul can't sing either, but the bitch was bad when it came to the dance. And that's why you sang Cold Hearted Snake (look into his eyes! C'mon, you're singing it right now with me!). The song was bangin', and Paula brought it.



If Heidi gets to be famous for sheer nothingness, why can I be famous? I do plenty of nothing all day as well, and I sing like no other when it's karaoke time.

NSFW - Trends Among Mens....Or Male Habits I Wish I Didn't Know About...

He knows he needs to wash, yet human men resist. Who is the REAL animal, my friends...who?!


I have two men in my life. I care about them both dearly.

One is hilarious and is always making the craziest statements about life, like "Only gay guys wear flip flops." Let's call him Joe.

Well ok then! Andy Samberg with his flippy floppies apparently isn't about the ladies, according to Joe. Not quite sure where Joe got this idea, but this did lead to some serious side eyeing and some I Love Lucy 'splainin. (The explanation made no sense, so I'm not repeating it)

The other man in my life is also hilarious and I enjoy many of the finer things of life with him. Let's call him Bob.

Now, both Bob and Joe have some things in common. They're both guys, they both have facial scruff that I quite like, they've both played football at some point in their lives (although I don't know what position) and are still into sports, and ...

They both don't wash their hands after peeing.

Bob and I had a fight about it last year, where I demanded to know how someone so fresh could neglect something so basic. His response? "It's the cleanest part of my body. It's not dirty, why should I wash my hands?"

Joe said the SAME THING recently! I nearly fell off my chair, since I know Joe to be extremely hygenic, if not from the same logic loving family as Bob, who knows quite a few men who wear flip flops and aren't gay. I'm still trying to figure that flip flop shit out.

Anyway, Joe and I just fought about the hand washing thing, and here was my take on it.

As a lady, (side-eyeing any of you who just laughed openly at the lady part) I know what it takes to keep my parts clean. I remember the many times my mother told me as a child, "If you don't wash your pussy, it'll smell like fish!"

My mother was very hardcore.

So my cootie and I have a great relationship where I acknowledge that if I don't wash her, she won't smell as fresh as a tropical rainshower or some other scent from Gain. Lady Grey and I have an understanding (starting with the fact that my ladybits have a name, it's Lady Grey, just roll with me on this) and that is I keep her clean daily, she's happy, and I wash my hands every time I go pee to keep up with my general hygiene. I know some women who are also guilty of not washing their hands and it just gives me the WILLIES!

I also acknowledge that I feel men need to wash because their manbits tend to get not so nice down there all day in their underpants. Fishbone had a song about it called MonkeyDick. Here are some lyrics:
" Sitting in a cage all day long
Smelling monkey nutts boy the odors strong...

. . . Straight got the monkey dick
Straight got the burn in cage itch

The fumes oh how they burn
Those stars how they turn
Oh how I yearn to get to air again
Oh the sea breeze but I'm down on my knees
Straight got the monkey dick
Get me soap and water quick"

Even the guys in Fishbone know what I'm talking about!! Sweaty balls, and that's the cleanest area on your body?!?!


You can date this man, nice smile and washes his hands!

Am I just tripping, or is this a real trend among men? Do you even dare to ask if they're doing this or not?! Please men, explain this to me if you do believe you're that clean and don't need to wash!!!!

Side Eyeing the Cradle

So I haven't blogged in a while, and I apologize. But for the first time ever, I have a boyfriend!

At least, I think I have a boyfriend.

He told his friends he had a girlfriend. He told me he loved me via text. (And yes, this was the actual declaration of love. On the text. Insert side eye). His friend told me he loved me before the boyfriend did.

The problem is my new boyfriend is younger than me. He's way younger than me but he's not illegal. He's slightly over legal. If you had told me a few years ago I'd be dating someone who wasn't alive when Thriller, the Challenger Explosion, Purple Rain and Facts of Life came out, I'd have given you the side eye.


This is me, side-eyeing you. You are Hilary Clinton. Yes, you


But alas, my supposed boyfriend is muy younger and this should be my fun fling of the summer, but it is turning into a bit more trouble than it's worth. While he is fun and there is the whole "Young men just don't quit in the sack" nonsense, and "Young men are trainable" bs, there are maturity issues of a whole other realm that I just need to blog about!

Like the time he came over and literally peed himself as he walked into my house because he drank way too much beer and couldn't get into the bathroom on time.

Side eye!

And the times he says he's coming over, like last night, doesn't show up, like last night, but will show up the next day.

Side Eye, with bonus side mouth! (Note - don't leave stuff at my house if you pull this kind of move, Young boyfriend. I will look through your bag like the nosy bitch I am!)

I shouldn't feel so strongly about a fling, but dagnabbit, can't it be fun without all the silliness? Am I just getting old and crotchety about someone who is 1.)leaving in three months to go back to their home country and 2.) young enough that old school hip hop to them is LL Cool J's last album? (ok, totally kidding on that, but since when is Wu Tang old school?!?!) I shouldn't care! But...I do.

Side eyeing myself. Serious side eye.

I think I'm through with younger men after this. I miss having a man with hair. When you have more facial hair than your mate, something is amiss. Maybe Puberty, but something!

PS - I asked him if he really meant that he loved me in that text, and when he said yes, I exclaimed, "that's nice!" Because no matter what, it's always nice to hear someone loves you.

PPS - I'm going to tell myself I love you right now.

A Sigh On MySpace

So I check my myspace this morning, and I received this email from some random guy. This email is verbatim:

WATS GOOD MAMI

MY NAME IS CHRIS , IM 22 YEARS OLD & IM FROM CROWN HEIGHTS BROOKLYN

IM HALF BLK & JAMIACAN & IM DRUG & DIEASE FREE

IM ON HERE LOOKING 4 A COOL FEMALE FRIEND DAT LOVE GETTING HER PUSSY EATEN

I LOVE EATING PUSSY & I HAVENT EAT ANY PUSSY 4 AWHILE MAMI

IM NOT ABOUT DA HEAD GAMES OR BULLSHIT IM SERIOUS AS U CAN GET

I WILL LOVE 2 B UR MALE SLUT & STAY ON MY KNEES EATING UR PUSSY

& IF U HAVE SOME SEXY AZZ FEET I WILL SUCK ON THOSE TOES

& I HOPE U DONT THINK IM DISRESPECTING U IN ANY WAY OK MAMI IM JUST BEING REAL IM TIRED OF SOME OF U WOMAN OR FEMALES ACTING LIKE Y'ALL DONT LIKE GETTING UR PUSSY EATEN UP ON DA REGULAR

BUT LIKE I SAID PLEASE DONT TAKE IT DA WRONG WAY OK MAMI

IF UR INTERESTED IN DAT PLEASE HIT ME UP I HAVE YAHOO & AIM

MY YAHOO IS - XFACTOR10_RAVENS@YAHOO.COM

& MY AIM IS - XFACTOR4LYF

I WILL B WAITING MAMI

What I want to know is this - this foolio who emails me has over 1,000 friends on MySpace. The majority of them are women....and he has such a ridiculous decal on his page I want to know if anyone has fallen for this crap.

I mean, seriously, America?

EDIT - FOUND THE DECAL! LOL

The Second Met Fashion Email That Rocked Outlook

Following on the smash success of the first Metropolitan Email, I give you the second one....enjoy!

Rachel Bilson - from the waist down, it's ok. The waist up....her hair is blah an her titties are sad. Sad titties need zoloft. zolift, viagra, whatever. I like her snakeskin shoes, but not with the dress. I do like the color of the dress.





Now the caption for this photo said Jessica Alba sparkles in her minidress. Now, before reading the caption, I thought, why does it look like her hair is in rollers and she put on some busted shoes from the 90s? This whole outfit sparkles with yuck. Her shoes and tights remind me of Lisa Loeb. Does it's look like two different dresses ripped apart and then sewn together?




Show them how it's done, Eva Mendez. I know the bottom look like it make need an iron, but this shit is clean, elegant, sexy, classy. I try to embody at least some of those words on a daily basis. So far I've got the clean part down pat!





I'm feeling the color, the hair (anything Barbarella gets the high five)...yet, I can't decide on the dress. I think it's vibrant and different, so that gives it a yay. Not loving the shoes, though. The color is so rich and delicious...Yay Anne Hathaway



So my mom still won't believe me that Cindy Crawford is not a man. And now even I have to wonder if she's on Rupaul's Drag Race. This outfit is a bit of a hot tranny mess, I'm sorry. You know why? The material looks cheap in the picture. And also she looks like a man.




One boob up and one boob down. It's like bi-polar titties. The dress is hot. John Galliano should only wear pirate clothes.




Helena Christensen...really?! What's this dress about? This is some Nancy Kerrigan bs. You're lovely, so wear a lovely dress that doesn't actually have the word Ugle (pronounce Ug-lay) on it. When your dress knows it's busted and tries to say it before you do, then you know it's not right. Although I do love the ankle ties. beautiful ballet heels.



Now they're putting up the cuter photos on the website. Eff that. We're judging the busted ones.

Busted Expensive Fashion - A New Feature

So I love going on Fashion Sugar, especially for their Love it or Hate it section. I love it because I love to mine their fashion pics that I almost ALWAYS hate.

I don't understand why they make it a love it or hate it section - everyone with eyes, and a sense of the beautiful should hate these busted pieces of fashion. They're generally overpriced and ridiculous, and don't give me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder on these gems - you know that have no alibi because they are U-G-L-Y. Let's take a look at BEF (Busted Expensive Fashion) example Numero Uno (thank you Bloomberg for the Spanish lession):



David Lerner Half Ripped Leggings ($99)

Yes, y'all, you read it correctly. NINETY NINE Luft balloons for leggings that are already ripped for you. I have to laugh at who ever is wearing these leggings in the first place. Most people don't have any business wearing leggings anyway...Are you in Flashdance? Are you plieing during your business meetings? Will you be working the pole and getting paid at your favorite sports bar? Then you may not have the eye of the tiger nor do you love Rock N Roll as much as Joan Jett, so leave this piece of the 80s alone.

Next up - Will you take a look at this hot shitty mess?


Rojas Mini Shorts ($63)
I used to tell my bosses, "help me help you", so I ask my reading public of three, Help Me to understand how these shorts Help You in any way on earth. Those shorts looks like Huggies PullUps. They are busted plaid, and they are $63 for only one pull up. Maybe if they were able to last a week without being changed as an adult Pull Up, that would be great for camping, but for fashion?

Maybe I'm just being too harsh...you'll let me know, right?

Well, this begins the new Busted Expensive Fashion Feature. Tell me what you think.

Bristol Palin Gives Me Morning Sickness

Bristol Palin is working the last nerve I have set aside for this type of silly shit. I actually saw this cover at Rite-Aid this afternoon and had a mini rant in front of my Latina cashier (sorry, Marisol) and a random white lady looking at candy. I saw this cover and proceeded to seethe loudly:

"Only in America can a white girl get knocked up at 16, pose for a photo with her baby in her high school cap and gown and be celebrated! SERIOUSLY?!"

The white lady next to me sighed and said "you're absolutely right."

Again I ask, seriously?!?!?! That cover is some bullshit. How are teen mothers generally portrayed? Young, scared and stupid. Girls of color with no head on their shoulders who can't close their legs. Rejects, losers and simple minded.

Yet I've seen Jamie Lynn Spears "rise to her responsibilities" and this dumb bitch Bristol Palin has the gall to be quoted on the cover as saying "If girls realized the consequences of having sex, nobody would be having sex. . . Trust me, nobody."

Oh.

REALLY, Bristol.

Stank you smelly much for enlightening us all with your vast experience and knowledge. I'm especially grateful for the fact that you fail to mention any of the other options you had available since your parents are abstinence only education supporters, who are also anti-choice. So most likely, she wasn't using any kind of birth control, didn't know about or perhaps didn't have access to EC, and then once she was pregnant, just accepted her fate.

But I'm going to go out on a limb and say - Hey! Someone had to have told you that sex can lead to babies. And what do you know! There are books about it, and hold on now! You have options if you don't want to get pregnant but still have sex. There's even a toy to teach girls now -


The scariest thing about this cover, and what Bristol Palin represents, is the sheer ignorance in this vast country when it comes to sex and health education. That her mother was nearly the VP of the U.S. and didn't teach her own daughter about her options makes me ill...but not nearly as sick as I feel looking at another white girl being celebrated for her lack of awareness while girls of color are portrayed as sad statistics.

Can you IMAGINE the Obama girls getting into this kind of mess?! Please.

Read this article to see how teen pregnancy is for so many girls out there. Teen Pregnancy